It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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