Who wears a wallet chain?!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
