the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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