8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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