just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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