Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
