I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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