i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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