Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
