New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
