Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
