I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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