i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize