I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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