im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
grandma shit on top of the toilet
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
