I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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