so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
