Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Its about making memories worth repressing
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
