So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did i walk over a car last night?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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