Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
