if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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