I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
