i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
