I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
