There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
