It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
