she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
