i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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