I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
