and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
