what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
