He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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