I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
