You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize