i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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