shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
