I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
