Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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