i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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