I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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