Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
