Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
