I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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