a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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