Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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