Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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