Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
