he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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