new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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