bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
