Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize