I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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