the condom got lost in my hair
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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