I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
