Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
