omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
