i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
